Goodbye . . . for now

The past two weeks have been full of “see you later” “we’re so excited for you!” and “we’ll miss you”. So many hard goodbyes. 

These past two weeks have also been full of battling emotions. For a full week, I felt captivated by fear. I wanted to plop down, hold tight to the door frame & yell, “YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO!! I DON'T WANT TO GO!” 

In that feeling, I wrote: 

I thought preparing for a year-long South American adventure would be fun and kinda thrilling. Not so much. Instead, as I am preparing to leave in less than three weeks, all I feel is Fear. Fear that I don’t know enough. Fear that I won’t be useful. Fear that when I return, everything will be different; that I won’t have a home anymore. Fear that my nanny kiddos will forget me and all my labor will have been in vain. Fear that I will be alone. Fear that my lack of wisdom and experience will drown me. 

The future is a black hole, sucking me in. I can’t see light: I only feel the enormous loss. 

I’m used to feeling strong and competent. Now I feel limp and lacking. 

_____________

In that darkness, God met me. I constantly was looking to His word to KNOW the truth even when I couldn’t FEEL it. Here’s how He answered: 

“You have been a strong tower. . . Let me take refuge under the shadow of your wings.” Ps 61:3-4

“I sought the Lord in my time of need. He answered me & delivered me from ALL MY FEARS.” Ps 34:4 

“Peace I give to you. . . Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27 

That fear really humbled me: showing me I can’t go in my own strength. My strength will never be sufficient. But rather in my weakness, He is strong. 

____________

The goodbyes have been hard, especially because going to Bolivia feels like crossing a bridge of commitment. This year is a surrendering of my wants to God’s will for the rest of my life. But, I know there is joy ahead & I know I will never be alone.