May
“Joy is not made to be a crumb,” Mary Oliver says. “Give into it. Don’t hesitate.” May has been an all-embracing joy of this Bolivian life. This wonderful, beautiful life.
But the closing of May proves the relentless march of time. “We can never go back.” My days here are numbered, and with only two more months left on the calendar, the end feels near.
In January, I wrote about the seasons, and how frequently each new season brings an inseparable mixture of good and bad, each battling for dominance.
The earth has continued in that pattern. Right now, we are in fall and heading into winter. The weather has turned cloudy and cold, but it also has brought flowers. The Toborochi tree, a Santa Cruz native, paints every drive pink. The flowers fill my soul, even while the sun is missing.
And, as often is the case, the earth mirrors spiritual truths. This season of my life has been cloudy, but the flowers have also defined every day, and the sun comes out occasionally, promising warmer days ahead.
The two truths live simultaneously: the extreme joy and the deep loss. I hope you can catch a glimpse of the two weights in this month’s update.
A real reminder of my limits came in early May: two dear kiddos left us to live with their older sister and baby nephew. I connected well with these teens through our mutual love of crafts (even though neither was ever thrilled about English class). I doubt if I’ll ever see Marco or Lizeth again, but my prayer is that their eleven years at this home eternally shaped their souls, so wherever they go in this life, they can uplift others. I am also praying they can be cared for in this transition and during their new life, now closer to blood relatives, in a way they could not be here.
I FINALLY completed my plastic bag rug this month! Back in January, I embarked on a five-month-long journey that, at the time, I thought was a weekend project. Collecting, cutting, braiding, sewing has created an over 6ft diameter rug that all the kids, teens and littles alike, love and are naturally drawn to anytime they enter my classroom.
Especially with May bringing cold, cloudy weather, reading on the rug has been a source of light and color.
In the middle of this month, I learned that adopting Mary Luz is not possible. The sadness is hard to express. Family is God’s design for each of us to learn who He is. Eternal love, an ever-present Friend, a just standard of right and wrong are all things most naturally learned and experienced in a family. “Compassion and understanding of what another person needs comes through having been cared for.” (Edith Schaeffer) I am praying that for however long Mary Luz (and all the other children) live at this home, they can experience that familial love. I know each one is in God’s care.
Living next to this sadness is the overflowing JOY for all the next year will hold. I get to live in SLO, one of the most beautiful places in the world. I can not wait to be teaching second grade, the same grade my mom has taught for nearly her whole career. Being close to my sisters and new niece and nephew are only a few of the blessings amidst a plethora.
Bolivian Mother’s Day is May 27th, and we celebrated with grand festivities. Each class in the kids’ school learned a traditional dance from different territories of Bolivia. They wore the traditional garb in an evening production for their families.
Earlier this month, the kiddos also celebrated Family Day. The night before that holiday the teen girls asked expectantly, “Tia, can you come celebrate at our school??”
I felt honored to be a part of each day. It was special to see Anachely (15 years old) try to hide her smile as I knelt in front of the audience to record her presentation. I teared up as I sat with Rossi and Mary Luz on my lap, Jhoan at my side, watching the teens pour their body and soul into the dance they’d been practicing for weeks. I don’t deserve the honor of representing their family. Family means time invested, years of trial and memories built into a lasting unity.
The heart-filled happiness, really a pride, I took in watching some of my beloveds, also stung at the core. These beautiful kids only have memories of their parents, some of whom took pride in their children and some who provided an antithesis of love. I cannot relate to the darkness that overshadows such holidays. But, I am so thankful for the Tias and Tios whose faithful work is slowly undoing the curse, and for our eternal family, which is even more true than our temporal.
The rhythms of May brought a continuity to each week. We settled into our previous schedule of consistent tutoring, teaching and discipleship. Bolivian life necessitates flexibility, but building fun in the classroom with afternoons full of laughter and learning have been my favorite.
I think May is the last month that consistency will be possible. June is bringing visiting church groups and sponsors, and much of my time will be spent translating and hosting.
This is another felt loss: connection through learning.
Life marches on. But love never fails. I only have two more months to daily show my love for these kiddos. I am a mist that quickly vanishes (James 4:14). Or, as another poet put it, “I am a page in a book in a library.”
The two extremes: the inexpressible joy and the irretrievable loss I have felt this month I know will steady out then bubble up again with time. And, while my presence cannot be a constant in these kids’ lives, I pray that love can be a continuous thread tying their lives together and that my vanishing time with them has helped them know and feel that love.
Praises
Future. I had been praying for clarity & God answered clearly. Praise for all the blessings I can fully embrace in the upcoming year.
Flowers. I love looking back to the beginning of this year and the hardships God has brought me through. The flowers of the Toborochi tree shadow the joy I can find in daily life: the fun and the hard. Praise God for joy that transcends circumstance.
Learning. Knowledge spiritually and emotionally builds up the kids. I have seen their reading and math skills grow as well as their souls grow. I’m thanking God for being able to observe this growth as well as for teachers, tias and pastors who plant more seeds.
